Well this is supposed to be Shadows page, but think it is going to end up being much more....am so glad i bought the pup, he is all i could wish for and then a bit more, in the evenings he lies on your feet like a black furry footwarmer, and whatever you are doing there is a black furry nose alongside checking it out!! He makes you laugh, even when he gets his 'naughty' head on a takes a chunk out of the paper you are trying to read or pinches a sock out of the laundry basket, only to be found an hour later extremely soggy and with a few extra holes!
You are never alone when he is around and whatever your mood, he is always happy to greet you, his tail wags so hard you think he'd break it.
BUT.....he has shown me all that is wrong in my life, how unhappy i am with the relationship i'm in. How there is no real companionship, my partner certainly isn't happy to see me no matter what mood i'm in, in fact all i think i'm here for in his eyes is to pay half the bills and cook and clean.
I've been unhappy for so long now, but am such a coward about making changes, think i am waiting for some "defining moment" when i know there is absolutely no hope of salvaging this relationship. We have been together for 9 years, and none of then have been really happy. I kind of burnt my boats when i moved in with my partner as i sold my house, left a thriving self employed business and moved into his house. The cracks showed pretty quickly but i was finding it hard to re-establish the business, my kids had had to relocate (which they found really tough) they had new friends again, so to consider moving them again seemed so unfair, and there was no way i could get a mortgage on what i was earning then, all my money was being drained just trying to keep up with my share of the bills (would i have expected Steve to pay half of everything if the situation had been reversed.... an emphatic NO!!)
So i struggled on with a less than perfect life, most of my happiness coming from my relationship with my kids, but of course they grow up.......
Now i have given up on the self employment, i have a decent enough job that so that i could pay a mortgage, kids are mostly grown up or left home...and still i hang on..
Fear of starting again...........fear of failure..........fear of spending the rest of my life alone, don't know if it's any or all of these things and probably a lot more besides!
So i bought a puppy to fill the gap left by my kids..........and it has really brought home to me what a mess my life is, the thought of carrying on like this forever is terrible, but the thought of striking out alone again is also scary!!!
Wish my defining moment would hurry up and happen, but i have a horrible feeling it never will and unless i do something now, i will spend the rest of my days in this sort of half life......
Is there life after 50??????